Is LOVE Sabotaging Your Health?
A few weeks ago I posted a podcast (www.simonelovell.com/podcast) I recorded called Navigation Different Health Expectations in Relationships, which is the nice way of saying: “How the heck can I stick to my fitness goals if all my partner wants to do is eat Doritos and hangout on the couch?!” Well, it has struck home with quite a few of you, many of whom have reached out, so I thought it might be beneficial to revisit the topic again!
I think it’s likely that this episode had such a strong response from listeners because it’s something we’ve all dealt with in some form or another: sometimes we just aren’t aligned with our partners on the importance of something. It doesn’t have to be related to health and wellness, it could be about work, the kids, the in-laws, finances, pretty much anything and everything! And I think we all recognize how significant a roadblock this can be. When you’re not on the same page as your partner, especially when you’ve been with them for a long time, it can be scary. What do you do? Should you compromise your own goals and values for the sake of the relationship? Should you just barrel through with disregard for their thoughts and put yourself first? What if neither of you are willing to budge?!
Well, the easy answer is: there’s no easy answer. It depends on each situation. But I’ve never been a fan of easy answers, so let me tell you about my own experience.
I was at my rock bottom. I was 65lbs overweight, suffering from post-partum depression, self-medicating with alcohol and sugar, and fuelling myself with caffeine, caffeine, caffeine! When I finally realized how unhappy I was, I was kinda lucky - being a certified nutritionist and strength & conditioning coach, I have a very specific set of knowledge and expertise, so I knew what to do to get myself happy again. I just needed to get the drive to actually do it. Many, many, many of my clients started off in a similar boat and simply didn’t know how to get out of the hole they were in. Having that knowledge probably saved me.
But the problem was, when I started out on this journey, I had a partner who was in a similar situation. But they weren’t ready or willing to make the changes they needed. And it was crazy because I could see telling himself the same tall-tales I had told myself not too long before. He said he needed those evening beers to relax and de-stress from his day. He didn’t have time for proper meals - fast food was the only way he could do it. And he was too tired for the gym or even for an after-dinner walk. So, he sat on the couch, drinking, eating like crap, watching sports rather than playing them, and getting further and further checked out from our relationship, but even more importantly, from his own life. He was a zombie. And that’s exactly what I had been (and kinda still was… but at that point I recognized it).
Here’s the thing: it wasn’t that he wasn’t joining me on my new health kick that upset me. I firmly believe people need to come to this on their own terms. If I had forced him into it in some way, regardless of the results, that would’ve just built resentment. What upset me was his complete and total lack of support for me to make these changes. If he had sat on the couch with his six-pack of beer, and given me a word of encouragement or support, it would’ve been very different; but he was actively trying to dissuade me from my activities. Trying to get me to skip a workout here, have a couple glasses of wine, order-in dinner, etc. At the time I just didn’t understand it, but with the benefit of hindsight, I do: his addictions and his bad habits were trying to protect themselves. At that point, they saw my new habits as a threat, and they did not like that!
So that was a factor. But another factor was that I did not have the ability to clearly set my boundaries. I was constantly struggling with forging forward with this new way of life, while being terrified about losing my old way. Which sounds crazy, but humans love stability and predictability and comfort. And habits are just that. Even if they’re bad habits. The idea of moving forward, even when I, logically, knew it was what was best for me, was scary!
I also realized how much of a people-pleaser I was and how that was affecting things. I wanted to protect my relationship; I didn’t want to rock the boat or force my things onto him. But as a people-pleaser, I was too often putting my own needs on the backburner. I started asking myself questions “Am I eating this because I’m excited too and am treating myself, or am I eating this because I don’t want to say no?” This kind of thinking doesn’t just happen in relationships: think about how many Summer BBQs you’ve been at where you accepted a drink when you really weren’t planning on drinking?
Ultimately, it didn’t work out between us, and the stress of that breakup really held me back in achieving my goals. But I ultimately did! I do want to say this for him: he eventually made some changes himself, and he is a wonderful human, and to this day an amazing friend. And he’s far more supportive now that he understands where I’m coming from. But I learned a lot from that experience. And I wanted to share with you what I do differently now in my relationships.
I communicate my needs and set clear boundaries early on.
initiate and participate in open conversations, because your partner is in this too. It can’t be all you! (That doesn’t mean you compromise your personal values, but it does mean you work your butt off to find ways to make it work for everyone).
We look for new and alternative weekday bonding activities (rather than the standard Netflix, Delivery, and maybe too much alcohol!).
I maintain open channels of communication and am open to adaptation. Meaning, things change, I can be fluid and adaptable without compromising my personal values.
If you’re a people-pleaser, ask yourself this question before you do anything that might be counter to your fitness goals - Is this a “Hell Yes!” or a “suuure, I guess…”? Sometimes you really DO want to go to that restaurant or have a white wine spritzer, but if you’re doing it for someone else and it’s sabotaging your goals, it might be a good idea to rethink it!
And this has worked for me. Consistently. I’ve mentioned in other channels that my current beau tends to go to bed a bit later, and I’ve usually got the lights OUT by 8:30 or 9pm (When you get up at 5, it’s a necessity!). Now I would love to spend more time with him. But I’m not willing to compromise my health and my wellness. And you know what? He gets it because I told him. He doesn’t take it personally, because it’s not about him, it’s about what I need to thrive, and I need my 7-9 hours (and so do YOU by the way!). So, he knows that late nights are not an option for us, and we make different plans. He still gets to stay up as late as he wants, I go to bed early. We sat down and had a discussion about when we could get together regularly, about what we could do when we get together (besides netflix and wine), and we revisit this conversation every once in a while to make sure we’re both still good with it!
We’ve also talked about how health and wellness isn’t just important for me as an individual - it’s also my job. And while I am ALL ABOUT having a lovely restaurant excursion, he knows that I simply can’t be indulging multiple times a week. He said something interesting about that actually. He said “You know, doing things a bit less actually makes them a bit more special,” which I agree with whole-heartedly. Now when we do indulge, it’s an even bigger treat and I appreciate it that much more.
I believe that me using these 5 steps has led me to a more supportive relationship environment. One where my goals and needs are recognized and supported. I think they can do the same for you! Try my 5 steps and see how it goes. Ideally, through communication, your partner realizes how important your health and wellness is to you and starts supporting you, even if they don’t fully jump on the train themselves. And maybe, this leads to you both finding new and exciting ways to connect as a couple, outside of the binge-watching and wine!